Tuesday, 20 September 2016

Love

Love.

The single most sought-after feeling in the entire world.

Impossible to buy, invisible to the eye, revered and feared and wanted by so many.

I didn't expect to fall in love, certainly not so quickly and definitely not quite as hard as I did. And it was like falling; like forgetting who I was and where I was and why I was - nothing seemed to matter any more except the fact that this person, this kind, generous, wonderful soul loved me too.

Being loved so strongly by someone else opens us up to all sorts of new and wonderful vulnerabilities. Whilst you're lying entwined, all brushing fingertips and heads close together on the pillow in the warm light of a quiet Sunday morning, another person is seeing you for everything that you are. No secrets. Nothing hidden. And you have to believe that despite everything you might dislike about yourself, they love you anyway. Being loved forces you to love yourself more, and to realise that maybe, just maybe, you're not as unlovable as you thought you were.



Love is opening your eyes in the middle of the night to find them already looking at you. Not in a scary, plotting to kill you way. In an "I woke up and you were on my mind and I just needed to watch you sleep" kind of way. Love is wanting to know everything about them from the very first date, wanting to ask and ask and ask and feeling like you could remember even the smallest detail as if it were the most important thing in the world. Love is missing them 10 minutes after you've said goodbye, and never feeling quite right when they're not there.

And love is scary. It can make you second-guess everything, read far too far into the simplest of statements and leave you in a crumpled heap at the thought that something might have gone wrong. Because love makes you invest everything you have into the happiness of another human being, and the fragility that comes with such a complex state of being leaves us exposed, naked and vulnerable.

Somehow, when you're in love, you just feel everything more strongly. And it's addictive. Every day I think I couldn't possibly feel any more passionately about him than I do, and every day - every conversation in fact - I'm proved wrong. Love has changed my outlook and has changed my life. It's given me the conviction to follow my heart, to trust my instincts and to let go of the little things that previously seemed so monumental. To think"fuck it" and just say the thing that might sound too this or too that. To realise that life is precious and to be so sodding grateful that I know how it feels to love, and to be loved, and that really, that is the most important thing of all.

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